My parents love me. That is pretty amazing. Honestly! If you knew what a brat I was in my teenage years you'd know it's a miracle that they are even still speaking to me let alone willing to let me stay in their home for a few months. :-)
I am so blessed to have parents who lovingly provide a soft place for me to land after my life throws me up in the air.
I have brought a few treasures from home with me and mixed them with a few treasures I found at garage sales (like the desk) here.
I have picked up a few new friends along the way...
But it is Madi & Jack (and Millie) that I miss the most. They are always on my mind. They are always in my heart. They are still my whole world...
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my kids. Words cannot express how much I love them. They are the greatest blessing I have ever received in my life. They bring me joy, teach me so much, fill my life with love and have given my life purpose.
Some have judged me harshly for leaving my family this summer. They do not comprehend how I can shirk my responsibilities as a wife and a mother and run north to Idaho. I can understand their frustration, confusion, and questions. How can they possibly know what has brought me to this point? To them all I can say is look at the big picture. You know me. You know how much I love Madi and Jack. You know how much I love Jeff. Knowing this.... how miserable must I have been to make this decision?
I have tried for three long years to make the best of an increasingly frustrating and hurtful situation. As I grew more unhappy I grew more demanding, I escaped in my computer for hours on end, and I ate and ate and ate to the point I have almost killed myself with food alone. This is not who I am.
I needed a break from the constant feelings of worthlessness and loneliness. I needed a break from being angry all of the time. I needed a break from eating myself to death.
And honestly, they need a break from me.
There are many things Jeff and I need to work on if we are going to stay together. I will not list his shortcomings here. Just know that neither one of us are innocent in this much needed break.
Where things will go from here are completely up in the air. But the love I have for Madi, Jack, and Jeff has never been the question. I love them with all my heart and always will no matter where I am. So with many prayers, the Bishop's approval, and most importantly the Lord's approval I have headed north to heal, learn, grow, and to find out where to go from here. :-)
Today I am loading up my life in the back of my Durango and preparing for my summer trek to Idaho. I have such mixed emotions!! I will miss my family here more than words can express. I am worried about the kids. But I am also so excited! I can't wait for the cooler weather and the opportunity to spend an entire summer with my family. :-)
So what do you pack for a 2 month trip?
Clothes for all weather conditions (this is Idaho after all)
Personals (make up etc.)
Sewing machine
Yarn, string, and other unfinished projects
Lawn chair (this is Idaho after all LOL)
BOOKS !!
Laptop
Journals & scriptures
Camera
a few fairies for good luck
Important papers
Pillow & blanket (might need a nap on the way up)
Gardening tools (again... Idaho LOL)
and the list goes on and on and on....
Now I just have to get it all to fit!! (PICTURE COMING SOON)
I seriously want to go back to school. I want to learn PHP, XHTML, and other programming languages so I can take web design to a whole new level. There's only one problem. It is stinking EXPENSIVE to go to school!! Yeah, you probably already knew that. :)
Everyone says start with FAFSA. (which happens to stand for Free Application for Federal Student Aid). Aid my butt. The only thing I qualified for are loans. A loan from the government? No thank you!!!
So, I posted on Facebook for some more ideas and scholarships and grants came up. Do you know how many websites there are on grants? Wow. A person could go nuts trying to find a few to throw together to pay for their education. It's almost a full time job all in itself!
WHACK! Wait, what was that? Oh right, reality just hit me smack dab in the middle of my face. I still have to find money. Well, wish me luck... I'm off to apply for grants. :)
*Disclaimer: Dear Mom, Please don't be embarrassed that I'm sharing this on my blog. You raised me right. I promise! :-) Love, Me
I'm on a mission. I've had enough and I'm just not going to take it anymore. I WANT OUT OF DEBT!!!! It is a stupid self-imposed prison and I am sick of it.
Ok, test time... I hate to: A) listen to my voice mail B) open my snail mail C) pluck my eyebrows D) clean the chicken coop E) all of the above
If you guessed E you would be correct!! Woo Hoo!!! Not that you won anything but isn't the feeling of being correct simply awesome? Yeah, that's how I feel all the time. But I digress...
Back to the debt. Here's a few problems I see with our current situation:
We don't have a system to receive mail (bills) into our home.
We don't have a system to pay bills in our home.
We don't have a budget "hold on...let me check online to see if we have money in the account" is NOT a budget.
We don't have any accountability to each other for what money we bring in or what we send out.
Can you see the problem here? Yeah, it's a miracle we've survived this long. We could blame our parents (insert whining here "but they never taught me how to do this" which is completely NOT TRUE) or we can grow up and act like adults (well the dates on our birth certificates imply that we should have reached adulthood by now) and fix it.
So here's the plan....
Sell the toys (thank you Dave Ramsey) including but not limited to campers, motor homes, motorcycles, quads, trailers, speakers, tvs, etc.
Pay off debt using the money from the sell of toys
Reserve $2,000 for emergency funds
Handle mail ONCE. Now this one is sort of tricky. Remember how I said I don't like to open mail. Apparently I prefer to have months and months of envelopes stashed all over my house and then twice a year see if my brain has remembered all our financial obligations. Totally lame, I know. So I'm still looking for a solution for this one. Suggestions welcome.
But I'm also considering using an online system like Mvelopes. Evernote also has some good options. Now to decide...
I guess the final thing to all the "get out of debt" mumbo jumbo is to just DO IT. Consistent actions on a regular basis is the key to success. I know this. Now I am going to do it. Wish me luck!! :)
It's that time of year again and once again I have fallen desperately short of honoring my own mother. This past month I have been so wallowed up in my own life crisis that I did not take any time to prepare and send her anything. :( I don't have much money and had planned to pen her a letter full of love, appreciation, and honor. And here it is, Mother's Day, and the letter still isn't written. Shame on me.
I love this picture of my mom. It shows her as the true angel she is. :-) As always, she is there standing over us, ready to do anything she can to make our lives better. Here she is supporting Kattie as she enters the world of motherhood.
Forgive me mom? I promise I'll make it up to you when I'm up there in Idaho with you. :-)
This song says it better than I could anyway....
"Because You Loved Me"
For all those times you stood by me For all the truth that you made me see For all the joy you brought to my life For all the wrong that you made right For every dream you made come true For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful mommy You're the one who held me up Never let me fall You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly You touched my hand I could touch the sky I lost my faith, you gave it back to me You said no star was out of reach You stood by me and I stood tall I had your love I had it all I'm grateful for each day you gave me Maybe I don't know that much But I know this much is true I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
You were always there for me The tender wind that carried me A light in the dark shining your love into my life You've been my inspiration Through the lies you were the truth My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
Last night I went to Madi's dance performance. She danced beautifully!!! I was so proud. Don't tell her I said so but I think she has more raw talent in dancing than she does in Volleyball. Then again I'm not sure what to look for in Volleyball but I do know with dancing. :) She seemed so happy to be up there dancing with her friends. I was so proud!!! Oh wait, I already said that didn't I? :D
At her fall dance concert I cried because I was so touched at how beautiful she looked up there dancing on the stage. This time I just beamed with a big 'ol mommy smile.
There was one point that I did actually cry... when the cops had to come escort out a few of the rowdy kids sitting a few rows behind us. From the very beginning of the performance I was shocked and disgusted at the lack of manners and etiquette shown by the audience. Their behavior was absolutely animal like. The yelling and shouting, the glow from cell phones, the talking during performances, the overall lack of consideration for fellow audience members and the dancers was deplorable.
So yes, when two cops came up behind us with flashlights yelling at kids to get up and get out of the audience DURING a dance I cried. I cried again when they did the same thing a little later to a few more guys... and again a little later to a few more...
Oh how I longed for a more refined and respectful time. A time when people went to the theater dressed for the occasion. When the idea of yelling across the heads of rows of people just to tell a friend "hey" would have brought shame and disgrace on them. A time when you could sit back and appreciate the arts.
There were two young women sitting next to me from Valley Vista High School. They were there to critique the performance for their school newspaper. I shared some of my frustrations and thoughts with them. They are going to include it in their article. I wish it would help but I don't have much hope of that.
On a happier note... Madi was absolutely glowing after the performance. She stayed late to help clean up the mess left by others in the dressing room (well done Madi!! I'm proud of you!!). Jan and JB gave her a bouquet of flowers. I had gone to purchase some flowers for her but decided she needed a hair dryer more than flowers (she's been borrowing mine for over a month since hers blew up). So I gave her that instead... with a note of love written in Sharpie on it. :D Kinda silly I suppose. But it will last longer than the flowers and it makes for a night not soon to be forgotten. I hope every time she dries her hair with it she remembers how much I love her, how proud of her I am, and how economy beats flowers sometimes... even daisies. :D
Tomato Tomahto... :-) Either way I can't sleep. Have you ever had that problem? Yeah, me too. Big things happening in my life. I'm leaving in a few weeks for Idaho.
I love Idaho. There is literally a stillness in my soul when I am there. My spirit hums with the rhythm of the seasons. I have many memories that sing to my heart when I think of my childhood there. Good friends, fun family, and the perfect country upbringing.
Now I am torn. I love that land and my family that now lives there but I also love my family in Arizona. I will miss them with all my heart while I am gone. I cannot think about it too much. The thought of not seeing Madi and Jack for a few months tears my heart out. But we all need a break. Tensions are high around here lately but what home with teenagers isn't tense sometimes?
I think Madi put it best... "What teenager wouldn't want a summer free from a nagging mom. But then again I'll miss you so much." I'm paraphrasing here but you get the drift.
Thank goodness for cell phones, Skype, Facebook, and other modern wonders. Maybe they won't seem so far away after all.
I do have a few plans for this summer while I'm up there (in no particular order)...
I have brought a few treasures from home with me and mixed them with a few treasures I found at garage sales (like the desk) here.
But it is Madi & Jack (and Millie) that I miss the most. They are always on my mind. They are always in my heart. They are still my whole world...
I seriously want to go back to school. I want to learn PHP, XHTML, and other programming languages so I can take web design to a whole new level. There's only one problem. It is stinking EXPENSIVE to go to school!! Yeah, you probably already knew that. :)
I'm on a mission. I've had enough and I'm just not going to take it anymore. I WANT OUT OF DEBT!!!! It is a stupid self-imposed prison and I am sick of it.
I love this picture of my mom. It shows her as the true angel she is. :-) As always, she is there standing over us, ready to do anything she can to make our lives better. Here she is supporting Kattie as she enters the world of motherhood.